Can someone explain to me what a crazy, asinine world we’re living in? No, I’m not talking about the war in Afghanistan or the fact that hopes and dreams Democrats everywhere may just rest in the hands of Al Franken. I’m talking about the fact that Ty Murray, rodeo star, has somehow made it into the semi-final on Dancing with the Stars.
I hardly even bothered watching last night as they announced the elimination. It was obvious since Monday, when we watched Ty dance a rhumba as if he was experiencing a horrible case of the runs and trying not to have an extremely embarrassing accident on the ballroom floor. It was obvious that Ty had been bested when Lil’ Kim performed a top-notch salsa only a girl with her innate rhythm and chutzpa could pull off. (Ty: let’s see you shake and shimmy like that. On second thought, I’ll skip it.)
So when I heard Tom Bergeron announce Lil’ Kim would be going home, I nearly coughed up my late-night brownie. Even Ty had one foot off the stage, so sure was he that he was out of there. (At least he has the decency to look sheepish, realizing that no way, no how does he belong on DWTS, week 9. He didn’t belong on the show, week 2. Even his wife, Jewel, knows it. Must be why she’s taking potshots at that sweet Melissa Rycroft.)
Jarv, who’s watched about five minutes of the season, jokingly proclaimed it a conspiracy. Has any black celebrity ever won the show, he inquired. In eight seasons, just one -- Emmitt Smith. “That’s okay,” Jarv quipped cheerfully. “Keep your silly dancing show. We’ve got the White House.”
Just to review: Ty is horrendous. Awful. Sure, he’s improved a lot, but still he dances with the fluidity and emotion of C3PO. Watching him swivel his hips around Chippendale-style in front of Jewel during his solo was a new kind of creepy. Ew.
Poor Lil’ Kim. It’s one thing to be voted off, but to be beaten out by Ty? That’s got to be more embarrassing than showing up to the 1999 MTV Music Awards with only a purple pasty covering your left boob.
The only two plausible explanations I can come up with are that either they put that ding-dong Samantha Harris in charge of counting the ballots, or that Jewel has a lot more fans voting than Lil’ Kim. If the contest is decided on the depth of your spouses’ fan base, why even bother with the dancing?
Maybe you’re thinking I’m way too invested in this. Maybe I’m thinking the same thing. I need to get out more.
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